A Birthday Reflection with Grief as My Teacher

There are two weeks between my first- born’s birthday and mine. We celebrated this year by watching Inside Out 2 which was a sweet full circle moment because the first Inside Out was the first movie she saw in a theater. Back then that little celebration was a welcomed break in the center of a monumental year. Our business was growing exponentially, we were moving facilities, relocating our family, and I was pregnant with our second child due in the Fall. The words “busy” and “hectic” don’t begin to articulate what was happening at that time.

But back to the movie, the character Joy reminded me of my daughter, bright, fun, loving and silly. At home we had an orange orb lamp, when lit my daughter called it her core memory, like the ones in the film. In the first movie, the character Joy protected core memories from anything that made the central character, Riley remember anything unpleasant, or upsetting. It was her goal to ensure Riley was always happy. This was highlighted when the character, Sadness touched a core memory that was supposed to be one of the happiest but caused Riley to recall something sad that also happened at the time. Joy would spend a majority of the film trying to prevent Sadness from having any impact on Riley. One day when my daughter was playing with the lamp, I went to check if it was hot,

“don’t touch the core memory! I’m Joy and you’re Sadness.”

In that moment it was hard not to take it as more than her acting out the dynamics of the film. There was some truth to her assertion though. I’ve always had a heaviness about me, it is palpable, I can’t deny it, but it made me sad to think my then toddler clocked it.

A week after our daughter’s birthday, our nephew passed away. My husband flew home immediately while I stayed back with our daughter to close the week at the business before joining him. I didn’t know how much she understood about what was happening, despite trying to shield her from it, the grief was too much to conceal.

How could it not be?

As the two of us were driving around completing errands before our flight, “See you again” by Wiz Khalifa came on the radio and I started to cry. I wiped my tears before looking back at my daughter, she was gazing out of her window singing along to Charlie Puth’s verse,

“It's been a long day without you, my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from where we began

Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

When I see you again.”

In whatever capacity she could take part in our collective grief, she did.

Sadness

The day before my birthday my husband delivered a eulogy no one should ever have to give before carrying our nephew to his final resting place. It was a relentless and unforgiving time requiring him to answer calls and texts in between the service and burial. When you are at the helm, business will not permit you to tune it out nor give way to mourning.

Later that Fall our second child was born the same month we celebrated our 10 year anniversary, the same month our nephew would have turned 23.

Years later while on a walk with my first-born she asked me,

“Mama? Who is your favorite character from Inside Out?”

Before I could answer,  she tells me,

“My favorite is Sadness.”

Surprised, I asked why,

“Because she makes it ok to be sad.”

Whew.

I celebrated my birthday recently. It is always a time of reflection and introspection. I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I would do differently today knowing what I know and who I am now but not in the spirit of regret because the life I’ve lived has shaped who I am today. Instead it is holding a memory and honoring someone by striving to be better, for myself and those around me. I cannot fully experience joy without the acknowledgment of grief, sadness.

I got to see whales on a trip to the coast this week. They were massive and majestic. The day was overcast but calm, dank yet beautiful. It perfectly encapsulated what I was experiencing. To whoever struggles with holding the constant tension of the two, this is for us, together. In joy and in sadness.

Rebekah ♥️